When people ask me "how can you believe in God after all that has happened to you?" I reply, how could I not. I don't believe God doesn't exist because of what happen as a child. Rather I BELIEVE GOD is there because I survived!
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I felt like I wanted to talk about my nightmares this evening. As bedtime nears I think about it a lot. Bedtime has always been hard for us. There was even a time when I fought going to bed, before I got meds to help with it, to fall asleep.
I would do whatever it took to stay up until I finally past out from two or three days on the go. My past haunts my sleep. There are times when I can go for months and nothing at all. Then something triggers the nightmares to start up again. I have different kinds of nightmares, some are re-occuring and others are new. Most often they are being about being held down and not being able to get away. I am frozen and can’t walk or run or scream in these nightmares. For some reason in a lot of them I am not young I am me but I feel very small and childlike. There are times when I am little but not that often. The worse part is waking up and remembering everything and it just sets the day off to be bad. It can take the whole day sometimes to shake the feelings of the nightmares. I really hate those ones the most. Then there are the ones when you wake up screaming in terror and fear and can’t move. It can take us quite awhile to realize that it was only a dream and that it is not really happening. Since I live alone this can be quite scary cause I never had the feeling like I could go to my parents room for safe keeping. There was no safe place as a child. I remember loving going to school because it was my chance to just get away from it all. I loved school and found my safe in many teachers over the years. I hate looking back and seeing myself as a person on the search for love and safety. These nightmares take the safe out of my life on a regular basis. There is a gift in all this. I have had to create a safe place. This place has become so beautiful over the years as it has developed. Our safe place is a garden. In this garden it is filled with daisies and frogs and turtles. Lots of trees and most are weeping willows. There is a stream of water running through and the Little’s have the most awesome tree swings. There are 2 of them because that way we can bring someone along if we don’t want to be alone. There is beautiful music playing, with pianos and guitars. There are fairies there too and pretty benches to sit and just read if need be, or to sit and chat with someone. You can smell all the pretty flowers and the scent of vanilla, all the clouds are so white as snow and you can climb up on them and ride through the sky for a nice nap. This place is so safe that we can even close our eyes and feel safe. Cause no one can come here without our permission. There is also a tree house that is decorated so pretty, even with pink little curtains and tree stumps to sit on. It is very cool in there trust me. There are dolls and teddy bears all around and a tea set too. There is also a treasure chest that is filled with magic wands and fancy dress up clothes. In there we also have a huge toy box and it is filled with trucks and cars, and transformers, coloring books, and pirate costumes. Down under the tree house floor there is a huge sandbox and we love going there to build the most biggest beautiful castles. Bethie loves it here most of all because dragons come and play, but they are not like regular dragons, these ones breath sparkles. They come to see the castles and take us for rides, it is so much fun here. We get water from the clean stream to build water around the castle walls. There is also a bake shop here where you can go and make cookies, muffins, cakes and more. Then all the colors of the rainbow in decorations. The place is always filled with balloons and cool dance music. When you come here you can bake, decorate, dance, and smile. It is a place that leaves us feeling good inside, safe inside. A chance to get away from the yuckies. There are never any yuckies here, we love this place. Thanks for stopping by and visiting our place though words, glad you could be apart of it. With every kind wish, Valynn and the Original Kido Bunch A video I made awhile back that I wanted to share. 1) How old were you when you started self harming? 9 Years Old 2) How often do you self harm? I use to do it daily when I was younger, now it seems like I do it in binges. Like hardcore for 3-5 days, take a break and then back at it again. 3) What method of self harm do you use? Cutting mostly. 4) Do you think that you need professional help? I am getting it now and have been for awhile. 5) Are you trying to stop self harming? Yes, I am just scared that even if I want to, need to, that it is not enough and that I fear I am not ready. 6) Does anyone know about your self harm? Yes, my family all does, my friends all do, my therapist of course. However I started at age nine, as said above and it was almost 12 years before someone found out. 7) How many years have you been self harming? Whoa, until I did the math I had no idea. Self Harm = 24 years. 8) If you self harm, were you abused or neglected (either as a child or later in life)? Yes sexually abused for many years. 9) Would you label yourself as emo? Nope, not ever close. P.S. For all you uneducated people Emo doesn’t not = Cutter/Self Harmer and it goes the other way, Cutter/Self Harmer doen not= Emo. This addiction shows no race, creed, religion, lack of religon. It can and does affect anyone. 10) Do others label you as emo? AHA HA HA!! Not that I am aware of and if they do, it sounds like a personal problem they need help with, for being judgemental. And they say I have all the problems. Whatev! lol 11) Why did you start? To distract from the fact that my uncle was molesting me/raping me. Giving me something other then the abuse to think and feel about. 12) Where do you self harm? Wrists, arms, thighs. 13) What do you use to self harm yourself? Blades…and in my opinon this is one of the not so important questions around this addiction, Im just sayin’. 14) Do you think you can stop? Honestly, I am afraid to say it but no. I just think I will have times and periods in my life where I don’t do it and other times when I will keep falling back on it. But I am hopeful one day will be the last time. 15) Do you want to? Yes, when I am rational, and no when I am insane. To those of you who are hurting out there, remember there is hope, there is help: http://www.selfinjury.com/ Today I have so much to do as far as housework goes and I am sitting here wondering how much am I really going to get done. One of the worse things you can do is sit in your s**t and I'm finding myself doing just that.
Even with the abuse in my life there were days I remember doing simple childhood things, like jump rope with the girls, playing Red Rover, Being in dance class, acting the lead in the play, fighting over who gets what crush in our favorite bands or tv shows. I miss these times, more so beacase these moments were so far and inbetween. I feel like many survivors that I was robbed out of the chance to have more happy times like these. As a child I endured abuse and as an adult I carry it still inside me. Some of the alters I am extra grateful for because they allow me to still have a chance to play. I miss the idea of what a happy childhood can bring. I don't remember a huge part of my childhood and it saddens me. When you are 2, 4, 6, 9, 12, people tend to want to hold you when you are hurt and bring a sense of comfort to your life in that moment. As an adult the cute factor seems to be diminished and most peope just respond by saying, "yeah it sounds like you are having a bad day, tomorrow is a new day and will be better." Okay, my question, where is the proof in that?" It's a new day this morning, not unlike yesterday's new start and yet it still hurts. I have been having body flashbacks http://www.soul-expressions-abuse-recovery.com/body-memories.html lately and they are awful. I can still feel "him" on me, in me, my skin feels so dirty. I can't push "him" off because he is not really there. The feelings though would seem to prove otherwise. This results a lot in self harm. Sometimes it can get so bad that I havethoughts of endng my life as the only way to get him out of me. Like he lives within me and the only way to rid of him is to kill us all. My rational mind knows this is not a healthy option but uless you go through it, do you ever tell me you understand. It is like having to live it over and over, somedays it feels like it never stopped. So today I am going through some of this and I am going to make an effort right now, when I am done here to distract myself by doing some of the things on my to do list. Hoping and praying for these feelings to pass. In love and light, A Beautiful Handful SURVIVOR
A new anthem to salute adult survivors of child abuse She remembers her pajamas With pooh bear and padded feet That night she lost her innocence Between daddy’s cold, cold sheets These days she has her own child As she struggles to get by And though she fights to hide her secret Late at night her pillow cries Survivor, all the battles we’ve been through Survivor, it all comes down to me and you And though the storm is raging and the flesh be torn apart You’re a true Survivor of the heart He remembers playing baseball 4 for 4 on opening day Mom missed out on all those seasons Stepdad never saw him play Today his own son won the big game While he was working out of town Somewhere between forgiveness And the love that let him down Survivor, all the battles we’ve been through Survivor, it all comes down to me and you And though the storm is raging and the flesh be torn apart You’re a true Survivor of the heart Free us, Free us, Free us… Survivor, all the battles we’ve been through Survivor, it all comes down to me and you And though the storm is raging and the flesh be torn apart You’re a true Survivor of the heart |